I’m in longing for an unnecessarily intimate touch. Does that make me needy? A friendly rest of one’s head on my shoulder, an uncalled hold of the hand. Anything to get me through. Am I going crazy? This is what I get, is it not?
I don’t remember how to function with you. You were a part of my life. I know the paths you take. I fight my thoughts everyday into whether or not I should cross your way. Perhaps see you again, perhaps hear you call my name. But I know you wouldn’t. It’s been a while. So here we flow, into separate entities. I’ll miss you.
I look at the distant faces of passer byers in hopes that one familiar spark might come back. Like the way you made me. But no one, I pass by faces looking off to an unknown distance; their minds adrift somewhere far. Occasionally, a face would catch my eye; and their gaze would create an uncomfortable atmosphere. For me, at least. Almost every time, I would see one with their hand linked around their partner. I’m not saying I’m in need of a partner, I just need someone to look forward to in the day.
A part of me doesn’t want to let you go. A part of me still believes you are this person you aren’t, the person I thought you were. We had good times together, times I have misinterpreted as something more, but they were moments nonetheless.
As of now, I am contemplating whether or not should I go out tonight. Girl’s night out. Fun. As of now, all I want to do is crawl up in a ball and climb into bed and never wake up.
The plan was to go to a house and watch movie and obsess of -male actor- ‘s abs and whatnot. Uncomfortable? Yes, indeed. Especially because of well, yeah. I would say yes in a blink if you were there. But you aren’t. It wouldn’t be the same.
Go back to a simpler time, when everything was so much easier. Back to a time when I could watch a movie with friends, and see what they saw. Not this. I see things differently. Does that make me wrong?
I hope, in the future, I can look back and think that I made the right choice tonight. Maybe then, I can sleep soundly that night.
I go outside quite often. At night, mostly, when the sun has wandered to someplace foreign. Nights like these, when the sky is clear and cool, I wonder why no one else is laying on their driveway staring at the stars. Maybe if some did, I wouldn’t seem so strange to the neighbors. I’m quite sure they’ve all thought I’ve gone crazy.
The world seems so quiet. Its cold outside. It would be nice to have someone next to me. Share body warmth, after all, sharing is caring.
Nostalgia. I go lay down and think of you. Down on the spot where we once stood to say our goodbyes. I almost feel your presence. Almost. Nights like these, I sit outside and wonder if you’re thinking of me too.
“What begins as an unguarded train of thought slowly became an addiction to the slumber of disconnection. And the resonance of memory that no longer has a shape, but keeps you numb through the hours until gone is another day.”—Half Asleep, School of Seven Bells
I can’t look at you anymore. You pass me by and for a precious second, that familiar burst of flight comes from in the pit of me. Then I remember what you did, its gone. How could you do this?
For so long, I thought, I swore, we had something. Something you and I were too afraid to show, so we didn’t. Is it possible I made this all up in my head? Not again. All those laughs, all those moments, did they not mean much to you, as they did for me? Those nights together were what kept me going. I don’t quite remember how to function without you to look forward to. What do I do now? I don’t know. Something though.
I suppose it was all inevitable. For the silent adorations were not meant to last forever. Happy Valentine’s day, darling.